A week ago, your favourite puffed-up dinosaur and mine, Cardinal George Pell, told a gaggle of Australian reporters in relation to confessions of child sexual abuse that "The seal of confession is inviolable" (You can see him say it here, if you start at the 2:14 mark).
I suppose it must feel nice, having committed a bit of a Catholic whoopsie like lying to a nun or accidentally sleeping with your best friend's spouse, to unload your guilty conscience to a man in a sacred cubby-house, say a few words of penitence and be on your merry way.
But it gets better! According to Australia's Big Bully Boy of the Bishopry, you can pretty much do whatever you like, confess it to a man in a shiny dress and that's that. Sure, you may have betrayed the trust of the entire community, traumatised the bodies and minds of young children and abused your undeserved authority by lording it over a defenseless weakling, but the most important thing is that nobody will dob on you. Ace!
So this one's for you, George. Why not read it aloud while you're sticking your inviolable confessional up your untouchable glory hole.
Go murder your neighbours and torture a cat;
Assault passers-by with an old cricket bat;
Relieve your full bladder wherever you’re at;
Punch orphans with AIDS in the chops.
Befoul public pools and defile the deceased;
Have unbridled sexy-time fun with a beast;
Confess all your sins in a box, to a priest;
He won’t even call in the cops.
Steal food from the elderly; kneecap a horse;
Pull homeless folks’ teeth with unreasonable force;
Replace Nanna’s eye-drops with hot chilli sauce;
Shoot funeral attendees at whim.
Keep puppies locked up in the boot of your car;
Draw dots on young kids with a burning cigar;
Describe to your bishop how evil you are;
Your secrets are all safe with him.